Huh.

I imagine I’ll be coming to this space more — as you have been elected as my new therapist.  

 

I decided to find someone to help manage some low-lying anxiety, some difficulty still navigating issues surrounding my mother — pretty much anything I’ve ever written here.  I chose someone who had 30 years in the field — who integrated Buddhism in her practice.  

 

You would think you would have heard a wide range of things over that length of time, crafted lots of responses so that when someone is retelling a core part of her story (ie my father’s murder) the therapist says “oh, so there as a lot of blood, huh?”

 

*

*

*

Blinking.  There was a lot of blinking on my part and then the dawning realization that perhaps sitting in a chair talking about these things, essentially paying a wise listener — maybe the time would be better used writing to you.  

It goes without saying that this WAS NOT HELPING MY ANXIETY.

I’m rusty here so forgive me.  I’ll try to write again soon.

 

XO

 

P

16 responses

  1. YIKES. I saw your tweets on the subject, and I have to say it seems like she gave an incredibly superficial and offensive response to what you were telling her. I’d be pissed too. It seems like you were trying to understand why she might say such a thing, while at the same time were so flabbergasted that only dark humor could relieve that tension. Feel the rage! And we’re here, listening. xo eep

      • You know, even more than that though… there was palpable anger coming from your tweets, and I feel like that’s really trying to say something important about the exchange and the impact it had on you. Like you felt somehow betrayed by what she said?

      • For sure. It’s retrospect that’s trying to explain it away of course. In the moment I was confronted with the very response that had always driven the family motivation of silence: “they just wont understand” because the very nature of that response from someone who knows you not at all, a complete stranger, is really a reflection of someone who is not trying to understand the whole situation, read cues, body language, how things are said… All of the things a professional therapist is supposed to know how to do.

  2. Um…the fuck?! I cannot get over that. I would such high hopes for a person with those credentials. I just can’t fathom that she could be so awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s insane.

    I, for one, am glad you’ll be writing here, for purely selfish reasons. I’ve missed your words and welcome their presence in my life once again.

  3. Oh, god, sorry. I cringed. Awkward. And the fact that she’s a Buddhist. I’m so embarrassed on behalf of all Buddhists. Clearly she was trying to relieve her own discomfort with the dark humour. Sigh. How about compassion, lady, or did you skip that in your training?! It’s hard enough unloading your life to a complete stranger (and pay for it) only to get well…that. I wish I were there. But I’m here. So write.

    • Thanks dear friend. Yes, I need a space — but that’s not the one — and now I’m confronted with the always uncomfortable position of telling her I am not returning — ever the “yes” girl I find it hard to assert myself in situations like these.

      AND I’M A GODDAMNED ADULT.

      *sigh*

      xo

      So wonderful about your 15 years of practice — read that the other day and have been holding you in my heart.

      XO

      me

      • Just tell her it wasn’t the “right fit” for you. Or better yet, give me her number and I’ll do it for you with – just the right amount of motherf***ing compassion, trust me. I’ll probably burn in Avichi hell for it, but…whatever.

  4. I read your post quickly the other day and have been trying to get back here to reply. And finally today I have some time. I’v been thinking about it, and am feeling terrible for the shock it would of caused you, and there is no context that it would of been ok to say that kind of thing. If you had the energy maybe you could write to her stating what the problem was and that you found her response upsetting and inappropriate and you no longer feel comfortable with any more sessions with her.

    I think she needs to be pulled up on it and made aware, and for you to express your feelings on the issue.

    I read everything you write here and always will. x

    • I love you Rex. The internet in all its pitfalls are made up for in the discovery of a soul like yours, a like- minded spirit. Xoxo. It’s good advice. Do you remember what you wrote one about teaching Manna the difference between being nice and being kind ? I think part if this niceness programming in me often leads to places where I inadvertently allow myself to get steamrolled and the other person may never even realize I was feeling that way. Anyway I often think back on how wise you are.

      Love,

      Pam

  5. I lost you when I lost my google reader. Glad to have found you again even though I see you on IG. I’ve got some catch up reading to do.

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