Last night past midnight I couldn’t sleep. I kept scrolling through my phone looking at pictures. In the last year or so the mask of masculinity had settled around our son. Even though you know it’s a phase… the bravado, the posturing, learning to be in their strong new bodies, the hormones… Following the lead of whatever role model fits the image of who they want to be.
Looking back on the photos, all of that was gone. All I saw was the sweet little boy who looked up at me and grasped my hand in the hardware store when he wasn’t even four yet… All I could think about was the time he was in kindergarten at a summer camp and lost a watch his father gave him and I came to pick him up he was so distraught he ran into my arms sobbing, something he never did with me… And I cradled his body wracked with sobs and we went back to the park and we looked and sifted the sand together…. It was the time that I knew that he trusted me — The path of a step mother and son can be tricky sometimes…. It all came rushing back to me when I was suffering from infertility and he was so little — he was probably seven or so and I was teaching him something about gardening and he asked me why I wanted a baby because after all he was my baby
And then the girls came — one to his mothers house in 2007 and Zoe and 2009… And there are 1 million things I want to do over. Million times I could have been kinder. So many things. I just want a Time Machine.
I have been hard on him lately. Just for little things. The kind of shenanigans a handsome 14-year-old boy in this world these days can get into. And lately he’s been coming to me afterwards saying I love you. Which was sort of unheard of. I love you too kiddo I would say.
G broke my heart in the ICU when he turned to me and said “all we had to do was to get past this phase of bravado… risk-taking. This phase of jumping on roofs and 4 feet onto countertops feeling so strong and so big in this new body of his. That’s all we had to do just a little bit more time and we couldn’t do it”.
Someone contacted W’s mother and spoke to her yesterday in the ICU and they wrote this piece:
G said — could you mention about the jackass shit, the risk-taking behavior that the whole culture that informs these young boys and the chances they take. But of course that was more than the short news piece could handle.
On his phone. Beautiful and handsome. Cruising on a late summer night talking to a girl.
I want to go back and tell him more often what a good boy he is not just the corrections. I would tell him a million more times how I loved him. I would not be so shy.
G wrote to a friend:
I’d work all day every day for the rest of my life for a time machine that could send my kid back in time to just before he left the house that night
Yes. Yes. Yes.
At 9 o’clock this morning they will give him the CT scan and may try to extubate him.
love to all of you who are thinking about us and writing, going to the site and all the support. It’s invaluable.